The blackout feeling
Posted on September 10th, 2018
I have identified what it means when I have this blackout feeling of not being able to focus or even think. I feel like I am totally stupid, not able to put my thoughts together, and all I want to do is give up and just curl up on the floor.
It is kin...
The feeling of novelty
Posted on August 31st, 2018
I've realised that the fact that when I was younger I felt more hopeful and excited about the future than I am now, may have been caused by the physical sensations in the body connected to it growing rather than deteriorating. Funny. But that buzzing f...
Being constantly 'confused'
Posted on August 29th, 2018
This is another pattern I am so often falling into: I am in a situation where I do not know what is going on. Then I have two choices: I don't say anything or I ask what is going on. I have been doing the latter until people got really pissed at me for...
The trap of assuming what others think
Posted on August 28th, 2018
This is the trap that we all fall into, and it brings so much suffering to everyone involved. When someone does something we do not like, we tend to invent negative motives that explain the behavior of the other. We think to ourselves "I know why he di...
What is love
Posted on August 26th, 2018
I just woke up from a dream. I was with my first boyfriend, my only love, on a family trip - with my family. We were not a couple in that dream because I knew he had his own family now. But he felt really close to me. He was like an old good friend, or...
Resistance to feeling I matter
Posted on August 23rd, 2018
I have just been re-watching Teal Swan's video about resistance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-90Uv5LKhk, because it occurred to me that the stress I feel at work can be best described as "resistance". It is already pretty good that I have noticed t...
Sexism
Posted on August 17th, 2018
Maybe this topic had more impact on me than I was aware of? A daughter of my friends is becoming a case study for me, since I'm seeing flashes of her development every few months, from almost the beginning. And she reminds me of me. And now she's reach...
You can't just make stuff up as you grow up
Posted on August 14th, 2018
I am with my parents and extended family on a family trip. It is such a fertile source of observations. I can totally see that all the areas where I have issues with social interactions, my parents have them too. Why did I blame myself so much for all ...
Long term effects of Vipassana course
Posted on August 9th, 2018
I'm writing it from a standpoint of a really lazy individual who was unable to maintain Vipassana practice longer than 1 day after the 10 days course. Yet, still.. I do believe after 1 year I continue to experience long term effects of that 10 days cou...
Empathy hindered on an intellectual level
Posted on August 8th, 2018
I am not sure what just happened and why, but I have recently noticed on multiple occassions when having made a mistake I was able to actually admit that I misjudged a situation and hence the mistake. Before this didn't occur. I would often take the bl...
Teal Swan's video: 'Projections', and self (un)awareness
Posted on August 3rd, 2018
Mind blowing when I started analysing this video in context of me. I think if I watched it some years ago I'd think it's bullshit. But recently I've become "elastic" enough to accept that I may be .. wrong. About some things about myself.
Here is the ...
Angry at being me
Posted on August 1st, 2018
Let's write a bit more about how I feel. I feel invaded by everyone. Physically and mentally. And while before I'd blame them, now, even though the impression is much stronger, I blame myself. And this causes frustration. I'm angry at myself that I can...
Subconsciousness in emergency
Posted on August 1st, 2018
I think that my subconsciousness is really shouting something to me and I still cannot understand a word. But it is getting very loud: vivid and obvious. How it manifests:constant physical tension, manifesting as nausea, sleep irregularities, bodily fe...
Feeling shitty
Posted on July 20th, 2018
How did it come to this point? I was so enthusiastic and full of energy. I thought I got to know the real me, and that the old me died. Yes, this was true.. but what happened next? I brought the real me back down to the ground. It is like a toxic perso...
Stand-by state
Posted on July 18th, 2018
I'm feeling sad. Slowly starting to understand that my state does not have as much to do with my upbringing but my sensitivity. It's kind of bringing me down. I start to understand how much I don't know, and how much I can't do. I feel like I'm sitting...
Extreme forgetfulness
Posted on July 10th, 2018
I was quite stressed out recently, by having made a mistake that resulted from forgetting something important. Then I got so stressed, I started forgetting even more, and getting more stressed because of that. Right now my whole body is so tense it sta...
Being too naive and not trusting enough
Posted on June 24th, 2018
To do both at the same time, mathematically, means not trusting oneself.
The people avoiding relationships
Posted on June 18th, 2018
All the people after that age.. I met them at an event.. it's clear he's single. He looks at me, he's attracted, and then he pulls away. It's so many of us. It's the unspoken code "stay away I'm fucked up". So many of us. This is so sad.
Each of us ha...
Massive flashback
Posted on June 16th, 2018
Okay well now it went full fledged. What happened: two things, and I'm still not sure which one triggered it. Or maybe it was even the combination of them.
First of all I was taking an improvised acting class where they told me to act angry and self d...
I can't reach out
Posted on June 14th, 2018
I can't reach out to people. I'm not reaching out not because I'm selfish and I don't care, but because I only have bad experiences with it. I am awaiting aggression and next rejection. My way of keeping people in my life is avoiding interactions with ...
'No one really means what they say'
Posted on June 11th, 2018
I have recently realised that I'm having a strong mental filter that prevents authentic connection and keeps me in loneliness. This filter was also making itself invisible.
The filter is that when someone says or does something, my understanding is th...
Improv theater therapy
Posted on June 8th, 2018
Now, after a few days' intensive improv workshops with both people who I know and who I just met, I can no longer claim that what we do on stage is just a play, a game, something that has nothing to do with reality. It has everything to do with reality...
The brutal truth about me
Posted on June 7th, 2018
Somewhere I heard that no matter where you start your recovery process, one change will automatically pull consecutive other changes.
I have made one substantial change I think: I trained my brain to stop the inner critic. When I first read about it I...
Listening to the inner child
Posted on June 4th, 2018
I had this idea to spend my alone part of the trip doing only what my inner child wants to do (about what inner child means, pls refer to the Bradshaw's book). Since I've read the book I've been trying to get the idea about who and where my inner child...
Accessing your early memories
Posted on May 24th, 2018
I just understood an obvious trick on how to access your memories from the time before your brain's capacity to memorize events was developed. I think we all remember the earliest events, we just remember them differently than the events that happened ...
Investment of yourself
Posted on May 16th, 2018
I have been thinking of making myself as good as possible in order to "invest" myself to some man. Now I am thinking: what if I gain more by self investing? It is like starting an own business only in order to sell it later, but then realizing that no ...
You're a wonderful person don't give up
Posted on May 13th, 2018
I mentioned the 'covert communication' term once. Yesterday someone newly met tried to do that, but with a positive intention. He tried to reach my core instantly. But he couldn't, maybe because he wasn't a toxic person, or maybe because I put a wall b...
Q1 2018 Checkpoint
Posted on May 11th, 2018
Okay that was a lot of time since the last checkpoint. I didn't realize it went so fast.
What I have experienced:I have looked at a man with the intention to see if I'd like to get closer to him, and I got the same look back. I repeated it multiple ti...
Another session with Polish coach
Posted on May 10th, 2018
What is important for me from today's session:
There was something strange happening when I was a kid and my mother would come back from work: the whole house would get filled with light for next 2-3 hours, my dad would get out of his cave, start talk...
Outer critic at work at work
Posted on May 9th, 2018
A colleague at work posted a link without reading the content, and other people in the chat, especially one person, immediately started making fun of him. But not in a friendly way, in a specifically putting down and irritated way.. I know this way, be...
