Visiting Finland
Posted on August 14th, 2017
Definitely interesting to meet the people I used to hang out with when I lived here. I wrote once about avatars and categorizing people, about finding an equivalent of one person in another place, and this being a narcissistic trait of mine. Well maybe...
Nobody can adapt to a broken person
Posted on August 11th, 2017
Some time ago I thought that if someone has some personality disorder it should be possible to create a happy relationship with this person if only one is ready for compromises and adjusts one's lifestyle to that person.
Wrong. Two wrong things.
Firs...
Brain wiring that keeps you alone
Posted on August 8th, 2017
Okay Richard Grannon was talking about a conceptual prison camp where they hit you and at the same time shout "aw!", as a metaphor for how CPTSD is formed. What if they were hitting you just after appearing to give you a friendly hug, and then still sa...
The post romantic reaction
Posted on August 6th, 2017
Okay, that's quite interesting now. Because of a possibility of being rejected I feel judged, ridiculed, repulsive, resentful and I have the urge to avoid anything that is connected in any way to that person and what happened. I feel like I want to sul...
Don't mistake an emotional flashback for intuition
Posted on August 6th, 2017
Yea exactly, that was my mistake! What I thought was intuition was often in fact an emotional flashback.
And here actually both terms get a bit interleaved, as emotional flashback does happen on an intuitive level. It's wrongly installed intuition. Wh...
People on stage
Posted on August 5th, 2017
I bet many of them are emotionally unstable. They have their emotions inside out: what they should keep in they puke outside and what they should have inside they don't have. That's why we love them so much. Artists. Singers. They can puke their emotio...
Your perception shapes your reality
Posted on August 2nd, 2017
Imagine that this world was actually designed entirely by a highly specialised diagnostic machinery that was able to read into your brain, into your thoughts, who had access to the information about your every past experience, and designed every tinies...
A session in Polish
Posted on August 1st, 2017
A second session with Polish .. life coach would be the closest name. In the end it is maybe good to talk with someone in my native language and someone with the same cultural background.
General evaluation: I'm on track and feeling pissed is a good ...
People who get angry at me when I need support
Posted on July 31st, 2017
Okay, let's get to the complicated world of human relationships. I have noticed this pattern in my life with my friends:
me: I feel down, because of X
friend: why are you like this? you should not feel like this!
me: I don't know I am sorry
friend: yo...
My last relationship
Posted on July 30th, 2017
Emotionally unstable personality. And I say covert narcissist. Somehow I had such a strong feeling that I understand everything he's been going through. Everything sounded like taken from my own thought script. And why I wanted to sacrifice myself just...
Borderline, narcissists and their relationships
Posted on July 26th, 2017
Of course you can't have a RELATionship if you can't RELATe. Obvious like fuck but took me some time. If people are avatars to me I don't relate. I live in a fantasy land. In a dream. Nothing is real. I'm in the fucking bubble. If I can't relate then o...
'You're such a big girl'
Posted on July 26th, 2017
My mum used to say it often, with disappointment in her voice. I don't know why but I took it literally. She also used to say that my younger sister is so much cuter than me. So I made my interpretation: I'm too big and therefore disgusting. Later when...
For *** sake, stop identifying with your brain!
Posted on July 18th, 2017
I have not been writing much as I was upset. With myself. I was actually pissed. At how little progress I made after all, how codependent I am, how I let other people define my reality, how full of anger I am, how I am misinterpreting everything what o...
Q2 Checkpoint
Posted on July 15th, 2017
Progress since the last checkpoint.
I have learned that:I have read about NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and it is mind blowing. Have not actually learned it, but it is interesting. Also hypnosis and self affirmations fall under this category. It ...
There is something fundamentally broken
Posted on July 14th, 2017
Again, a regression. I should make some statistics about how often they happen. And about what the frequency of them means.
Today I feel this: there's something fundamentally broken about me. It's not about accessing suppressed emotions, or releasing ...
'You have a good life'
Posted on July 11th, 2017
"You have a good life", said the waiter at a restaurant. I asked what he meant, he said "well just look at yourself". Yes.. I wonder what he would say if one day he heard that this beautiful smiling successful woman who could not ask for anything else ...
Puking with people's negativity
Posted on July 10th, 2017
I don't know if it is a normal stage in codependency recovery, but I find myself feeling sick of other people using me. Using me for feeding their egos, their sick phantasies, their assumption of my motives. Recently I feel as if everyone was trying to...
Men-women relations
Posted on July 9th, 2017
For me this topic has always been problematic. I've been just going through it in my therapy sessions recently, and I think that my problem could be summarized as: as soon as I like some man I feel I'm pathetic, and as soon as someone likes me I feel h...
Being beautiful
Posted on July 7th, 2017
What do men actually mean when they say that I am beautiful? Gosh, I have had such a naive and immature understanding of this!
Yes, one of the things it could mean, and what it probably meant when men were boys, is that seeing me was provoking hormone...
Relating by contrasting
Posted on July 5th, 2017
There was this English language exam assessment method: compare and contrast two pictures. I have noticed that contrasting is what I do habitually quite often. When I meet a new person, it is always important for me to point out where I am not like the...
Objectification
Posted on July 4th, 2017
Like with many concepts that I write about in this blog: I have heard the term, I knew that objectifying children can cause narcissism or borderline, but I did not really understand what it has to do with me. In the end my mum has always been saying th...
No compromise
Posted on July 3rd, 2017
A music concert provoked some thoughts on the end.
Love: why should I settle with the bare minimum? I'm really sensitive and I would be realised if I could find someone to reciprocate this. Someone who would be equally passionate as me. People always ...
What is love
Posted on July 1st, 2017
A quite obvious realisation occurred to me that came as a surprise: what if the fact of two people loving each other has nothing to do with who they are? What if loving someone is happening in another dimension than one's character, i. e. being lazy, o...
Therapy in dreams
Posted on July 1st, 2017
Funny thing happened last night. I was dreaming that I was in my typical relationship situation when I get involved and he says that he does not wanna commit right now. In this dream I exactly felt my automatic reaction: "omg, I screwed up, I should tr...
The values and identity
Posted on July 1st, 2017
I read once that the biggest threat to people recovering from CPTSD is giving up because they are not good at noticing progress, as the progress in such cases is really slow. So I am trying to actively monitor this as well, i.e. pay attention to any li...
Perfectionism vs identity
Posted on June 28th, 2017
Such a thought arrived to me one recent evening:
You need not to worry if the way you interpret the world is correct or not. The way you interpret it is the way you adapted to it, in other words you interpret it in the way that works for you. Don't be...
Schema therapy exercise
Posted on June 28th, 2017
Okay, I will try to verbalise how I understand how schema therapy works.
Because having knee problems at the moment it is funny how I make analogy between physiotherapeutic massage that releases tense muscles that accumulated over time and schema ther...
Feeling bad at school
Posted on June 22nd, 2017
I remember this feeling, around 5th grade. Standing in the school corridor, observing other children, and thinking "why am I unable to have friends even though my parents say I'm smart and pretty?". I was really puzzled. I was seeing the other children...
Feeling bad about myself
Posted on June 21st, 2017
I have not been focusing on my emotions recently. I thought about it a few days ago, and then asked myself: okay, so after that few days break from being with myself.. hi myself, how are you?
Uh. Bad, ugly, disgusting, repulsive, weird, wicked.. well...
