Constant traumatisation
Posted on March 12th, 2023
Up until the university I have been traumatized. During the university I had my short 3 years to shine, after which re-traumatization began. And like this, with each subsequent disappointment and abandonment I have been less and less of myself. More an...
Emotional Intelligence - it was just the beginning
Posted on March 12th, 2023
So something occurred to me. I spent a big portion of my life learning to notice my emotions, to name them, to express them, describe them, analyse them, connect them, and understand them.
But in the end, this is such a tiny part of emotional intellig...
The love dilemma
Posted on January 3rd, 2023
My love dilemma is this one: always when I find someone to love, I realise I may not actually love them. In fact, I don't know how it should feel to love someone. People usually say "if you loved, you would know" - so yeah, I never knew. I never felt I...
2022 Q1 Checkpoint
Posted on May 4th, 2022
This is a checkpoint after 3 years! I have definitely screwed up with the regularity. The time went quite fast. My learnings from last 3 years:
people have their own agendas and it does not make them evil, it makes them normalpeople are way less self a...
Recap
Posted on May 4th, 2022
Two years of not writing, what happened? I was first very low, and then happy again, and did not want it to end. But eventually you need to return to the normal life.
Something happened about 2 years ago. I felt so low, that I experienced depersonalis...
Could I really have Asperger's, and implications
Posted on March 8th, 2020
I have not really believed it for a long time, but what strucks me recently is not reading about psychology in this context, but watching vlogs of diagnosed people.. and it really became a thing recently in my mind, that perhaps I am different, perhaps...
Who gets depressed?
Posted on February 20th, 2020
A thought just struck me. What if people who tend to have depression are actually the ones who are unable to dumb themselves out. Because they are both sensitive / aware enough and their values do not support going the way of least resistance (where th...
Defensiveness and taking feedback too personally
Posted on November 12th, 2019
I always thought I'm not any close to that kind of person, but it turns out that having the two very issues have successfully kept me stuck in a toxic way of communicating with people, and destroying relationships with them. And for sure have kept me f...
Confidence
Posted on September 30th, 2019
Can you be both self aware and self confident? Does self confidence have to come from ignorance?
Flashbacks and the unfairness of the world
Posted on September 23rd, 2019
Back from another social battle. Yes it may sound dramatic to the outside, but why not to give it real names. It is a struggle, each time, to actually walk next to my colleagues not knowing what to talk about and yet stay alert enough so that I can res...
How a normal relationship feels after toxic ones
Posted on September 22nd, 2019
At least a more normal one. One never knows what is normal in the end. I often wondered how it is. I would read some articles about how it feels wrong and scary for quite a long time at the beginning. And how it can have a healing effect on a long run....
State of flow
Posted on September 15th, 2019
I invited a new term for myself: a period of time without emotional flashbacks. It's funny I only now need a name for it. But it's good to have a name, as then I probably can register it better. And have something else to focus on.
Noise at school
Posted on July 8th, 2019
I never paid attention to it, but I do have memory of being 8 and completely freaked out in the middle of the school's gym during the year end or beginning celebration. I remember it was loud, there was a lot of kids, perfume and flowers smell, and I h...
Observing an infant crying
Posted on July 8th, 2019
That was really interesting. The two weeks' child while crying for food was behaving exactly how I would behave when I have a very bad freakout, lying in my bed. The waving hands around, twisting and turning, closed eyes, and the very fast breath. In m...
People disliking me
Posted on July 8th, 2019
Okay, now it deserves its own drawer in my brain: some people, for some reason, become really upset with me. And it seems that to them it seems that I have been doing some things intentionally, knowing it will result in them almost hating me, while on ...
It's just that.. I'm out
Posted on July 7th, 2019
Today I was looking at the family of my brother in law.. extended family.. dining family.. laughing, getting drunk, stuffing themselves with food. With sparse teeth, with overweight, with shiny skin.. in a stuffy room, telling to each other about what ...
Excessive sensitivity and CPTSD
Posted on July 6th, 2019
I have been thinking since several days about the topic of people who are more sensitive than the average. Sensitive, as in perceiving more than the average person. It may be things like hearing sounds better, but also spontaneously thinking deeper abo...
Life goals
Posted on July 3rd, 2019
In last therapy we talked that I don't have a goal in life to be happy.
In fact, the first time someone told me their goal was to be happy I was enraged. So narrow and so selfish! Superficial. Only with time I realised it's the goal of the most people...
Feeling saturated with someone's company
Posted on July 3rd, 2019
I do recognize this feeling. There's a kind of borderline when I'm spending time with some people. My mother is one of them. Perhaps the first. Some boyfriends were too.
There's a moment when I feel that I've had enough of them for now. And a realisat...
Feeling of unworthiness when you like someone
Posted on July 1st, 2019
I was wondering why does it make us feel unworthy when we try to connect with someone we like, even if that person seems to have quite an opposite impression of us? It seems to be a fairly common phenomenon. Sometimes can even happen in both directions...
Putting other people in position of authority
Posted on July 1st, 2019
I have been watching a lot about ADD and Asperger's recently. Not about the symptoms, but videos from the people who have those conditions, about how they feel to them. And it made me a bit more "open minded" regarding the possible differences in brain...
Staying single as an act of rebellion
Posted on July 1st, 2019
I remember being maybe 14 and thinking "I will never get married". I thought about how much of a bad deal it is to get married for a woman, and wondered why they still do. I was very upset with my father putting my mother down constantly, and thinking ...
External vs subjective symptoms of depression
Posted on July 1st, 2019
After my depressive episode it became so clear to me, that for some conditions it is so important to publish both external and subjective symptoms! Sometimes how things manifest on the outside is completely different how they feel on the inside! All th...
It is ACTUALLY happening
Posted on May 20th, 2019
Yesterday while falling asleep I had the following realisation, that lingers too today:
I will not have a second go at my lifeI will never live anyone else's lifeI will never get the chance to review my lifeThere is NO OTHER perspective for me than the...
Being depressed is so energy consuming
Posted on May 16th, 2019
Because it is so energy consuming to keep convincing yourself that there is no point in anything, keep on and making sure that the fact you are doing it stays hidden even from yourself. It is a very energy inefficient strategy to avoid any risks. Maybe...
'I have a life'
Posted on May 6th, 2019
Another Vipassana course, this time three days. Was awful to sit it through, I thought "never again". But something happened there, and as usual: the implications come only gradually, during the days afterwards.
One thing that I noticed happening when...
Feeling of foreignness
Posted on April 8th, 2019
That feeling is very prominent and pronounced at the moment. It feels like being human and other humans being humans was something very remote to my perception. Like a "forward deja vu" into the future where I am no longer alive. And that feels neutral...
What does not work
Posted on March 25th, 2019
It is very frustrating to make such a step backwards like I did in last months. I am watching the video of Richard Grannon, the "Cure to CPTSD" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHREvAiAnCs. And I am also thinking that..
I think I know why I crashed so ...
Disorganized attachment style
Posted on March 16th, 2019
I do not know why it took me so long to actually find out which one of the insecure attachment styles I have. I remember during last breakup this feeling: "I want to hug him", "No, he is the danger", "I want to hug him", "No, he is the danger", and I w...
Two costly mistakes (on the way to recovery)
Posted on March 11th, 2019
I have made two mistakes, which costed me a slide back into severe depression, probably worse than ever. A step away from the end.
Mistake number 1: Isolation.
I wanted to work on myself and my codependency, so I kept myself form away from any social...
