Saying what I think
Posted on February 20th, 2019
Now it becomes crystal clear to me: not saying aloud what I think and what I want is one of main reasons why other people keep on hurting me. It is actually quite obvious, but till now I only understood it intellectually. Recently I keep on realising:...
'Breaking news' discovery
Posted on February 12th, 2019
People like to talk about themselves and asking them about their business is a sign of caring about them.
I did not know this, I swear to God. I am simply not like this. I do not like to talk about myself and answer questions about my business to some...
Spontaneous regression
Posted on February 11th, 2019
I am the 12 year old me seeing through my adult body. It feels so realistic.
Still hurting
Posted on January 31st, 2019
One month went by, the recovery time is getting longer than the dating time. I'm not surprised. I'm angry but this time more at myself. That I still let them trick me. Of course, if I have unlimited faith in humans, of course anyone will be able to exp...
No more bullshit .. what if?
Posted on January 30th, 2019
What if I started to say aloud what I know the person talking with me knows and I know they know, but no one says it aloud? In other words stop taking bullshit.
- I want to kiss you right now..
- And I think you must have mistaken me for some idiot, ...
Being crippled
Posted on January 20th, 2019
After my knee accident I understood how important it is to stay physically active and never allow the age-related physical disability creep in.
Few days ago I realised: same applies to mental abilities. In school we were forced to develop ourselves an...
No trust
Posted on January 16th, 2019
I don't know what is wrong with me. I am terrified now. It seems I have left one matrix just to enter another one. Did I really get so involved with this narcissist topic that I started discarding real people? It seems that everything I have built in t...
Narcissist relationship hell
Posted on January 14th, 2019
No, despite the huge screw up from last year by a narcissist/sociopath, it just does not end. I thought I will never be tricked again. And now the last guy was a narcissist too, I have just uncovered him. After the confrontation he displayed all of the...
Another one bites the dust
Posted on January 10th, 2019
So another relationshit is over, or rather another romantic disappointment happened. But something just occurred to me.. it seems that after Vipassana there is a theme that was not present before. Or do I just want to believe in it?
First of all, abou...
Relationships' Schredinger's cat explained
Posted on January 9th, 2019
Maybe as long as I freak out during an end of an abusive relationship, will I not be able to get into a normal relationship.
The same qualities which make me unable to leave an unhealthy relationship prevent me from having enough patience to separate ...
Everything hurts
Posted on December 28th, 2018
Everything hurts, and I don't know where's up and where's down.
Love handling schemas
Posted on December 18th, 2018
I think I discovered something important. There are at least three schemas, aka thinking patterns, that I fall into when I like someone. The thoughts that belong to each of them are so repetitive, so predictable, that I am surprised that I have noticed...
Dear me
Posted on December 9th, 2018
Dear me.. a lot happened recently. No, nothing special happened. But indeed, for you it did.
Is shame a negative emotion?
Posted on December 8th, 2018
I just listened to a poem/song about it in my native language.. and realised something.. that shame may originally not be negative. Maybe it is our parents who make it negative, because they use it to educate us, by combining shame with withdrawing lov...
Fear of abandonment
Posted on December 3rd, 2018
Fear of abandonment - was the undeniable symptom that made me consider BPD. Today it occurred to me that this fear is somewhat flat, somehow repetitive and predictable. And that the narration behind it has the very same voice, each time. And this voice...
Another unhealthy relationship pattern
Posted on December 2nd, 2018
Somehow those things keep popping into my head.. now I realised have another bad habit: I meet a person and I push them into a role. Whether they fit in it or not. The person is secondary, the role is primary.
A crazy thought I had today. What if what...
Check in with myself
Posted on November 30th, 2018
I think I should check in now. How do I feel? I had a lot of stress, enormous. Extreme emotions. From euphoria to dread and panic. Feeling inspired and depressed. I think I went through an impressive range of emotions in last 10 days:
euphoriajoyinspir...
Unhealthy relationship pattern
Posted on November 27th, 2018
I'm on to something. There's an attitude I go into when I want to get to know someone and get closer to someone. I start behaving as if we were already close. Brute force. This is how my mother was trying to get closer to me. And how did it feel? Terri...
Stop jumping in
Posted on November 16th, 2018
I need to stop jumping in when I see that it is up to someone to take an action about something and they have a problem to start to do it. In the past I would even help someone apologize me. This is insane. Now I have started to just ignore it in such ...
Loneliness
Posted on November 7th, 2018
When someone is lonely it's very sad. But if they don't care about it themselves does it make it more sad or less sad?
I, in fact, know nothing else.
Relationship block
Posted on October 25th, 2018
I was asking myself a few days ago why I have this relationship block. Because I do. It's not only about relationships but also closeness in general.
And today I had this dream. Where I was talking with my first boyfriend and he said we can't be toget...
The exile feeling
Posted on October 17th, 2018
Today it got me back. Just like I felt at school, the same I felt today as an adult between people who just a few months ago I considered friends. I felt condemned by them, disapproved, avoided, contempted. I felt shame and pain.
I got a bit deeper in...
Woke up in the middle of the night
Posted on October 8th, 2018
I had a dream that I was about to be raped, and realised I cannot move. I forced myself to wake up. Interesting skill to wake up by yourself, it seems it gets exercised over time. I wasn't aware I was sleeping but I was aware I cannot move so I did wha...
How I used to experience love
Posted on October 3rd, 2018
Another dream flashback from my first relationship. I was there visiting and he was there living at his parents exceptionally, for two weeks. I was lying next to his feet stroking them, while he was talking with a friend. Next the friend left and we we...
Missing piece of the puzzle: about belonging
Posted on September 30th, 2018
I just watched Teal Swan's video called "Instant belonging" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iofHNbc5xSk). I really need to stress out that many of her videos I would not take seriously. But this one made me think.
She said that the brain's habitual f...
The vicious cycle of my conflicting desires
Posted on September 21st, 2018
I think it goes like this:
My mum told me I couldn't be loved. Long time ago, but I cling to this dogma, even though it hurts. Why? I must have some benefits from believing that. Oh yes, the benefit I have is:
If I don't let anyone love me I will nev...
I want the gratitude feeling
Posted on September 14th, 2018
Since a long time I am reading that whatever one imagines can actually happen.
Till now I have not been imagining what I actually want. On the surface yes, but not deep inside. The deep inside feeling was always "but I am not worth it", "but I am not...
Not handling myself
Posted on September 13th, 2018
I've noticed another pattern: when I notice that the reason of some problem I've been having is that people around me made mistakes, I'm getting very upset and resentful. And even when they admit to those mistakes my mind still ponders on them and I st...
The feeling of 'it's too late, try harder'
Posted on September 12th, 2018
Sometimes it's so difficult to consciously notice something that's always been there.
The feeling of impossible urgency. As a teenager I had a repeating dream where I would be preparing to leave the house and my father was sitting in the car, engine a...
The sawdust feeling
Posted on September 10th, 2018
Another feeling that I can now clearly identify. Because I don't have a name for it let's call it "sawdust" - as it feels like almost choking on something dry, something you can't shake off you and something that dampens the sensations coming from outs...
